I drug my blade across its neck with every ounce of strength I had left, and pushed through what had to be bone, until its head was eighty percent off.
Then it got back up. Usually that does the trick.
I'm not saying I behead creatures often. I still don't really have the knack for it I guess, or the strength, but its a good deterrent.
So I'll spare you the gory details of this misshapen creature, vaguely reminiscent of a feline predator. Suffice to say, I'm typing an entry here, and it is not.
I've been thinking, as I trek back to the 'Underworld' or whatever the hell to call it. There's a lot of emphasis on being cool I think. I'm as guilty of it or moreso than most. I need to stop doing that. We all like the idea of being skilled or strong or dangerous, it gives us all a great sense of domination I guess. That primal urge to be alpha. I know that want well, it was the want to be special that put me where I am, that put that blade in my hand, and chose to kill several people. Because I needed to be the strong one, the special one.
But I also don't want to seem nonchalant about it either. I mean, here I am, in whatever feylands this world is, trying to find a purpose for myself, I have a faecat named Chonk, and I'm a one-armed...FUCK dammit, I'm trying to make myself sound cool again.
God dammit this is hard not to do.
I almost called myself a swordsman, how laughable is that? I have NEVER had a lesson with this damn thing. I just try to do them before they do me, thats it. There's no skillful riposte, or gleaming blade edge.
Honestly, I think this sword does most of the work for me.
And now I'm faced with a question. I see all the lands of the FEARs about, more or less. Its a territory game here near the rabbit hole that I fell down. So what do I do now? Do I try to kill one if I get the chance? Do I not do that? What's my role here nowadays, my purpose? I don't know.
I want to do good. I want to do some good.
I just don't know how to do it.
I need your help. Respond when you can, thank you. - Seven.
ReplyDeletewe're all beyond help
DeleteAh the Sage still draws breath!
ReplyDeleteWelcome back o cursed one! Cursed with the insatiable desire to help, to be the eternal servant of some kind of ambiguous understanding of "good".
And I do not say these things in a mocking manner, for that has been your curse ever since you stepped into this game we all play. What boggles my mind is how can you possibly obsess so much over the concept of "good" but not have any idea on what steps to take in order to achieve it?
Should you slay one of the Creepy Crawlies? You say it with such simplicity, tell me, was our Tall and Faceless Friend easy to dispose of, how'd that go? Is this some elaborate suicide plan of yours, planning to throw your life away by hiding it behind some kind of heroic deed at trying to slay the dragon?
Let me provide you with a bit of advice, you can either take it, or leave it, it's up to you in the end. If you want to start bringing any kind of change into this game we play, you're going to have to start getting rid of the baggage that prevents you from doing so. Stop looking at the past, stop longing for it, finish your loose ends and only then start thinking on how to "do some good".
You might find out that in re-visiting said loose-ends by proxy (HA HA!) you'll end up actually bringing some positive change. On that note, been a while since your Shadow paid you a visit, you certain you finally found refuge from it? What if you didn't? Gonna keep running? Do old habits die hard? Guess we'll see.
Hey man, I don't know if you still look at this blog, but I figured I'd leave something anyway. You don't know me, I kind of fell into this mess a long while after you.
ReplyDeleteI may not completely understand the predicament you are in, but one thing I will say, of course you are the only one who knows yourself better than anyone, but it is not an alien concept that when a person does a lot of retrospection, they tend to get hung up on menial things.
You say that your want to be special is what put you where you are, I'm sorry to disagree with you Zero but that wasn't it (Unless of course you lied when you first introduced yourself to the other runners). What put you where you are is your burning desire to do something good, a side of you that is still visible considering you're trying to figure out on how to do exactly that within this post.
As to how you figure it out? What's your purpose? That one's on you, I just hope you don't use the self-loathing lens when trying to find that answer.
wanting to do good isn't a reason for doing the things I did. I thought I was to be a hero, I reveled in doing what I thought was right, there's no excuse, no atonement for that.
Delete