Thirteen Years Later

 Thirteen years? Really? Feels like a few months.  Why wouldn't it be? Time never acted right anymore since those halcyon days of old, before blogging. Spending what I can only imagine were several lifetimes walking in death didn't help.

Well, what can you do?  You do something I'm very accustomed to. Put one foot in front of the other. Problem is, I have no clear cut goals or wants in the world anymore. I've travelled, I've met some folks out here in Underland.  Surprisingly...normal folks too, and not even ones that turn out to be evil. I mean legit just people out here. Farming, I've fought critters and creatures. At least three dozen by now, and it doesn't seem to change things.

I think this world just generates them. Maybe its that intrinsically linked to us that...well I'm speculating on stupidity.  I'm telling myself of late that maybe for every monster dead I end up stopping that creature from killing someone, or maybe its some sort of representation of mental illness.

I hate it here. There's nothing I can do.  I see creatures sometimes, signs of strong ones that'd kill me in an instant.

The FEARs or whatever they really are. Entities in another world. If everything here is a fear or an illness, I tell myself maybe I am doing some good. Maybe someone doesn't have trauma due to me if this is some mindscape I've been in.

I guess I don't want or need proof of it. I've got a lot of atoning to do, so maybe me wanting some justification of it is just....

Being better isn't something that just happens.  There's no karma chart for life, but I also have to move past guilt.

I've fucked up. I've killed. And I've been given this blessed chance to do things better. I can't ever bring back the dead, but I can make better choices for myself, and live a life of sacrifice. Yet surely by this point I've saved more than I've killed. I feel no different. A life lost by my hand is not the same as a life saved, because I didn't make the decision myself.  

Be better.
Be better.
Be better.

I can be better still. and part of it means i need to stop worrying about keeping score.

I've forgotten how many people I killed, just that I've done so. Shouldn't I remember their names and faces...for what its worth I only knew a few.

Slice.

Fucking Slice. 

I'm tired of wandering. I need an objective.  Is it possible for a one armed swordsman as laughable as that sounds, to do something greater? 

Around me are flowers that grow taller than sunflowers, and have an unnatural flatness to their petals. you could use a ruler and see how flat ithey are all together in a field.

I need something more. Something attainable.

Kill a FEAR?  Is that doable? Would I throw my life away in a cheap and vain attempt to kill one.

AGAIN?
No. No, I cannot give up like that. I can't go out in a fit of ego and false heroism.  There's got to be more. Things I have missed. I need people. I need information. I need to start over.

Lets start over. You and I. Lets find a way forward.