Something to leave behind

I've drastically overestimated myself. In my wish to hit the trail, get out there in the world and do something worth doing for once, I find myself lacking in food, water, and transport. That could've gone better. I suppose I could've begged some resources from Sanctuary, but most everyone there seemed to be barely scraping by as it was, so who was I to take more from them?

I've managed for the most part, though this cold snap isn't doing me any favors. I've got some of my gear on, inside out. I need to look into something more formidable for cold weather, it'll make do as a pillow as well when I need it. Right now, it is all about keeping this phone charged and putting miles under my belt.

Wounds are okay, I guess, but the bandages keep needing changed. No more antiseptic, so I've used Ivory soap and water when I can to help prevent infection. The pain's nothing too bad, and that worries me more than being stalked again. I feel like I'm in better shape than I was ever before, well, sans the bad arm that is. I just don't tire as fast as before, even a full day's travel isn't enough to set me on my ass. That's pretty unsettling, to think that I'm not /physically/ the same as I once was.

I mean, I keep hearing these terms now. Everything's so much more overt.  Reapers, devils, fears, agents, proxies... Everything has a label now. All those years of floundering about in the dark have either garnered a bit of information that helped define those things that have started to hunt in the night, or maybe, just maybe, those things really have always been there, and I'm just now...well, 'falling down the rabbit hole' as they say.

That or ole core theory's rearing its head again, and we're labeling everything in an attempt to understand, and in hopes of inflating our own position in things. I honestly don't know, but I can say that I've felt more lost now than ever before.

Then I hear this news from Sanctuary that Lilith had died in some mysterious means, of her own choosing apparently. Now, I didn't know her or Bael. Heck, I've spoken to her a grand total of once, and that was on an earlier entry. I hear people talk about this huge amount of bloodshed that was laid out, that so many people were killed (bad people, I hear), and I think to myself, 'Who has the right to do this?'...

I'm getting off topic. I'm not here to pass judgment on her. I don't know her story, and I can't possibly know her intent. I hear talk from (of all things) Proxy Incorporated (and I still don't understand how the hell that works, but that's a question for another time), that Lilith ended up dying in order to protect others. That's a noble pursuit, especially if a child is involved. Especially if it is /your/ child.

But is sacrifice and death the only way we win these sorts of things? How many people pull a noble sacrifice, and things just get worse? Hell, I tried it myself TWICE, and not only did it not take, but I made life worse for everyone as a result of both.

Sigh.  Again, this shouldn't be about me, this should be about them. I mean, I know Jack just a little, and as I understand it, despite what I assumed had to be animosity, she and Lilith were practically sisters...and being that they're ideally the same person from alternative dimensions, well, that must be akin to losing a twin. A break so impossible to console, so resistant to healing, that no words can do it justice, no wellspring can fill that void. A massive piece of a life, ripped and torn asunder.

"For they that remain, their wounds grow deeper and deeper, for they that remain, they grow weaker and weaker, an agony incomparable. Ceasing to live, frozen in time."

 And then there's Bael, someone I know nothing about, except that Morningstar seemed to take a step back from him, and Morningstar is.......something else now as well.

I hear that Proxy Inc. has speculated he's been put into the same sort of thrall that I had been. I'm not sure if that makes him more dangerous or less dangerous. The Tree entices, it lures those with powerful intentions, it twists your thoughts and convinces you that you are on the right path.

I wanted victory. I wanted to be famous, and the big hero.  Yeah, I'll admit it, I wanted to be that /Hero/ of Core Theory, even as I pretended that I wasn't able to fulfill that role. Of course, I proved that I was incapable of such things later, but again I digress.

Anyway, I guess what I am saying is that I can't judge anyone else's actions, but I can understand the lengths you'd go to for your own child. In the end, that is all we have, what we leave behind.

Rest easy, the dead of Sanctuary, you've left behind a small candle in the darkness. And with that candle, we can see so much.